Let me dive right into it. If I have to read one more facebook update from someone talking about their fucking job schedule I'm going to snap and stab someone in the gums with a corkscrew. Furthermore, if I see more shit about how your children are or how much you love them, I will similarly freak. I don't want to hear about that shit unless something happened, such as your children were mauled by a bear, killed the bear with a tennis racket, and made a full recovery. Because that's bad ass.
Another example that would be acceptable is that your children stole your car, moved to Seattle and became heroin junkies, became music legends and want to give me money, but you still love them.
Barring those circumstances I don't want to hear about your fucking family. No news is good news, and inventing or forcing news out of nothing is a mortal sin. Just as you can't squeeze blood from a stone, you can't make me give a shit with bullshit tales of your equally banal existence.
I don't have an interesting life. It says so on the side of the blog. Which is why you won't find me posting updates on facebook saying things like "Shower from 8:15-8:30." then "Reading a book from 12:00 to 3:45... FML! =(". Or something like "Just got off skype talking to my mom. LOVE MY FAMS LOL".
Fuck off.
Do all the other people you know a favor and say something worth saying. We're not your mobile fucking day-planners. I'm sure there are those of you out there reading this that agree with me. The culprits are usually old acquaintances you don't talk to anymore or family members you aren't particularly are fond of. Or co-workers. God I used to fucking hate them when I wasn't useless.
I may hear retorts such as "Well you do the same thing!"
Don't kid yourself asshole. I do no such thing. I abuse facebook at times, and often when I am bored I post stupid shit. Everyone does, its their right. People do not, however, have the right to post the same god damn shit day after day like a cry for help. Take a page from my book. When I feel I am slipping into that dark abyss of boringness, I remove a finger. I'm down to 8 digits!
Instead of a "Like" button on facebook, I want (exclusively for me) something to say "Darren is going to break your fingers." when I click on it.
While we're on the subject, lets throw "FML" on the ban list too. For those who don't know, it stands for "Fuck my Life." In the movie Superbad, it was humorous when that fat liquor store worker was forced to do extra work, then said these words in utter hopelessness. It is not funny when someone has to go to work, write an exam, finish a paper, update a facebook status, make a sandwich, or do any other menial task and garnish it with these 3 letters. It is not funny because you are not the fat liquor store clerk. You are also perpetuating a stupid fad. Take away 3 years and replace "FML" with "Fuck your couch" or "I'm Rick James, bitch." That was never funny. Because you are not Rick James, but you are a stupid fucking bitch. Why don't you just let the TV say all your words for you? Why do you have a brain which is capable of creative thought? You know what our society is going to be reduced to? This.
I'm sure at this point fans and non fans alike are perhaps tiring of hearing about the World Cup. So let us move onto another stupid "sporting" event. The Montreal Grand Prix. Its not a sporting event, if so then North America is full of professional athletes. Since when was sitting in a car and wearing Ronald McDonald's clown outfit a sport? A big left turn is not a sport. Its not exciting. It is as much a sport as masturbating is a scholarly pursuit.
Anyway I didn't see the Grand Prix. I didn't care to. I couldn't help but see the big expositions on Crescent and St. Laurent. Basically what these things were was a place to gather as many rednecks, wanna-be grease monkeys, perverts, women with no self esteem, weekend warrior dentists and other assholes with more money than taste. Again it is the fans which disgust me the most. Two or three blocks of rue Crescent and even more of St. Laurent full of big shiny cars and to be honest sub par "booth babes" pouring water on shirts and literally just standing around all day. In the same fucking position! Sometimes shouting "woo!" when not making "sexy faces" that looked like they were getting their colons scraped.
While these tightly clad bimbos were wasting my time, the fans were busy trying my patience. I entered the crowd to see what was going on. Godzilla and my Danish friend were trying to walk through the crowd in vain. Every five feet some douche bag would stop in his tracks in front of us and take picture after picture of these fucking gorgons in racing attire. Some of them were cheering and making inappropriate sounds. Some jerking off. Some jerking each other off. We were probably in the middle of a massive circle jerk centered around automobiles and dullness.
Anyway I had more to write but I am le tired. Plus my friend from Minnesota is making Montreal hip again. By coming here. And I have to host him. And show him around. Shit...
A song! A song!
Darwin fucking Deez. I got drunk the other night and could not for the life of me get this song out of my head nor in my drunken state could I correctly spell "Detector".
Kindest regards dear readers,
Darren
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